I’ve been recovering from burnout for about 6 months. Seven months ago I had a really busy month, and just couldn’t wait for the end. I promised myself that after the half marathon and my cousin’s wedding are over, I’m going to take 2 weeks and do nothing. Once I slowed down, I realized that it was actually a pretty busy year. and I don’t need to do anything else. But of course, that isn’t a real reason not to strive. It’s just that I didn’t feel better after 2 weeks. Or 2 more. Eventually I realized that I was re-living the same cycle year after year. I have the winter blues, SAD, winter depression, or, as I call it – my hibernation state. It used to start in the fall. But then it started beginning earlier and earlier. Now there is a certain day in August, where the air just feels different. I don’t go hibernate right away. But I know that winter is coming. And I don’t revive until mid April or May. IIt makes sense. It has a pop psychology name – seasonal affective disorder. It’s been a few years that I’ve been understanding, seeing, this winter-lack-of-energy, differently. At some point I realized that it seems to be a protective mechanism. Otherwise I’d never rest. This way, my energy just goes away, and I sleep, walk, do yoga, meditate lots. I am human, so I also hurt a lot. In the summer, I don’t bother with my humanness. Too busy!
So I guess I’ve known for a while that the winter downshift is related to functioning over what my body really has capacity for during the other part of the year. But last fall – I somehow finally got it. It’s a cycle. I’ve been promoting it. And I made up my mind – I’m not going to live like this any more.
It’s been 6 months. It has been 6 months since I called it. I can’t really say that it’s been 6 months of recovery. More like 1 month of recovery, and 5 months of futile resistance, guilting myself, asking “how much longer can this go on”. I’ve discovered lots about myself in that time. I decided to go deep, and since I’m already looking for gold, I might as well dig up all the skeletons too. I knew that digging deep like that wouldn’t bring fast relief. But I’m hoping that it will help in the long run. So far it has. I’d like to write more about it, but it’s my bed time. I don’t need to write more today. A tiny thing that I learned is that I stop before I get exhausted.
