As a person dating in my post-marriage phase (I’m still work-shopping what to call this stage of my life. It feels like a second spring), I had to learn about new relationship models quickly.
Relationship means the way in which two or more people talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other, so “relationship” is the technically correct term. However when we talk about this type of relation, “relationship” is assumed to have the second meaning of a romantic or sexual friendship between two people”. And we instinctively feel that the word “relationship” is not the right one to use. Because this meaning implies some level of commitment (even to spending Saturday nights together), obligation. And not all sexual relationships have that. You know those situations where you cringe if the word “relationship” accidentally slips out or you run into a friend outside and they say “are you guys dating?” and you don’t know how to answer. Hence, a discussion of relationship variants. This is not a discussion of personality, attachment styles or archetypes of emotional issues, but rather the different variants of commitment. Wherever it says guy or girl here, it could be reversed. And none of these theoretical people are bad. This is just where they are in life.
Don’t ask, don’t tell – is a no commitment variant. It’s between people who don’t have the emotional skills to discuss commitment, or where one person can’t and the other person is not looking for commitment. The risk is that you are assuming you know what the other person feels and wants. You’re assuming they’re OK with you sleeping with other people, or you’re assuming they have a level of commitment to you. If you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend – all these could work either way) and you don’t talk about this, you might actually be in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship. I was going through no commitment phase at one time and was seeing a guy who didn’t talk about feelings. I assumed that we had no commitment. After a time I didn’t want to date anyone else, so I talked to him. I told him that I know we haven’t talked about this before, but that I wanted to know what he wanted. I said I’m not dating anyone else, just him. I didn’t want to put pressure on him in the moment so I told him to think about it and get back to me. He never brought it up, even though we had a weekly date for many months. And I knew I had my answer. At least I knew where I stood.
Open relationship – this may sound like the no commitment variant above, but it has a critical difference. Communication. They know what level of commitment they want, they can communicate this to their partner and hear and accept what the partner wants. This could be a long lasting marriage or a couple who have been dating for a month. If your partner suggested an open relationship and you internally shrieked but outwardly agreed, you may be in the relationship described below.
One sided – this could be people three dates in all the way to married for 25 years. The thing is that one person is all in and the other… isn’t so sure. Maybe they never were or they used to be, but began to have serious doubts about the relationship. Many people who become divorced go through his stage when they’re first becoming aware of the issues and the growing distance between them and are trying to work through it, or are telling themselves that it’s normal to have rough patches, or just can’t face the end. It sounds sad, but it’s actually a normal phase. You can’t possibly move from total commitment to both people acknowledging the need to separate without this in between phase. Other examples are newly dating couples where one person is really into the other and their commitment temporarily makes up for an inequality of commitment. Or a situation where one person is really out to get married (or get committed) and projects that on to a relationship, not paying attention to what the other one wants. Another version of this is the “then let’s just be friends”. The guy is really attracted to the girl, but she doesn’t feel the same, or isn’t looking for a relationship or is unclear about her commitment status. He doesn’t quit and plays the friend role instead, trying to wear her down. He may. There are worse things than an overly helpful and supportive guy in your life. But the emotional risk is there. Because even if she tells him she’s not into him and he says he knows and he tries not to expect too much, deep down he does have the expectation. If he didn’t, he’d cut his losses and take time away. And there’s an emotional risk for her (or any receiver of such attention), because it sucks disappointing people who have given you this precious gift of affection.
Friends with benefits – we all know what this means, but it warrants a little discussion because I think it has come to refer to someone who’s not a friend. I have seen this term often on dating sites and when a total stranger asks if I want to be FWB, we can assume we’re not friends. I’m not saying that this relationship doesn’t exist or is impossible to maintain; just that the term has come to mean more of a “fuck buddy” situation where the actual friendship part is missing. I feel like a relationship between friends that has a sex component deserves its own name at this point. If you have this, I hope you’ll comment and suggest a name.
You’re alone but you’re not alone – this is from the point of view of you. You’re a single gal! You don’t owe anyone anything. You cook when you want to , you go out with whoever you want, nobody controls you. You’re feeling empowered, you don’t need anyone to help you with anything. Kudos. I’m just learning to be this and my one wish in life is to be independent to be OK with myself. But there were times when I was alone, but not… alone. I didn’t have a commitment, but I knew I’d see someone every week. Monday was sucky at work? It’s OK, he’s coming over on Tuesday. I feel like going out on the weekend? I can ask him. Damn dishwasher is leaking and despite trying to troubleshoot it I couldn’t open the drain valve? Well, there’s a man coming to the house on Tuesday, so why not ask him. The man was fine with all this. But to be totally honest with myself, I had a safety net. It’s not bad to think that I was a free woman. It just wasn’t completely honest to myself.
In the beginning I said I’d put relationships in little buckets based on their commitment status. But seeing your relationships (current and old) through this lens is an exercise in personal honesty. Relationships are hard. And very often, it’s hard to face the truth. Sometimes you want to face it, sometimes you’re not ready for it. That’s cool. If you’re making nasty comments at the screen because of what you read here, it may be time for self reflection. I wrote about types of relationships that exist. I did not make a judgment about any person or their worthiness. At some level we’re all looking for acceptance. Not necessarily love or commitment or someone to take care of us, but an acknowledgement that we’re OK as we are – I think that’s universal.
