So you’re getting divorced. Or separating from your life partner.
Welcome to your new life.
Although I don’t know you, I can say that I know you’re going through a difficult time.
It’s December 20th and someone asked me how my year was. It was the fifth and final year of my separation and divorce process. It was a rough year. But it was a really fruitful year. If you engage emotionally with what is happening, this may be a really good thing for you too.
I’ll share my biggest observations and insights and these are definitely things I wish I was able to know earlier. This may happen to you.
- A nice person who really loved you and took care of you and who knows that you sacrificed for them may develop into an unrecognizable personality during the process. Is it their lawyer influencing them? Is it their insecurity? It doesn’t matter. Not being able to accept them as they are now will cost you.
- You might see a really ugly side of yourself. That side comes from your insecurity (and maybe your lawyer played on that). After all is done, try to accept that part.
- Lawyers… well, that’s pretty well known.
- Divorce is not equal nor equitable nor fair. Having an expectation of fairness will cost you a lot.
- We all have a different definition of success in life and that would extend to what you need in order to feel like you didn’t “lose” in the process. That will likely change as you go through the process. In the beginning I wanted fairness, I wanted all the sacrifices that I made in my 20 years in the relationship to be recognized. In the end, I just wanted to be left alone. I think winning is doing whatever work you need to do internally so you don’t end up living with resentment toward the other person. It doesn’t matter what they did. You don’t have to forgive them. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to see them, interact with them, see them twice a week to pick up kids, argue over every medical issue for the kids. But if you keep resenting them, it will poison your freedom. It will cost you.
After all that, I actually know how much my freedom is worth. It’s the difference between what I thought was fair to pay in the beginning and what I paid at the end. It was way more expensive than I would have thought, so I know I’m worth a lot 😉
And I’ll never forget it. My emotional freedom was very expensive. And I won’t give it away easily again.
