To set the context for this, I have to start with the obvious: relationships are complex.
I’m sure many of you have known this always, but I only found this out two years ago when I separated from my husband of 20 years and first boyfriend (and found out fast) – relationships between men and women operate on a spectrum. There’s the white relationship of traditional marriage, and there’s the black of coworkers who rarely cross paths and make small talk about the kids’ hockey schedules when they do cross. And then there are the 50 shades of grey in between. And the degree of importance of a relationship changes over time. If someone is looking for a significant other, many would say that the best case scenario is that this special relationship comes out of a friendship. It’s hard to find someone who fully accepts and appreciates you, so don’t let me judge however you find love. And it’s exciting to find love or even lust, tingling, butterflies in your stomach somewhere where you didn’t expect it. How boring would the world be if you could only find a spark with someone whom you’ve previously screened on dating apps (although I could stop shaving my legs on the rare occasion I go dancing). So yes, I’ll agree that there are no rules in dating and relationships – we find what works for us with other people who are similarly fulfilled by given arrangement. And when a man is attracted to a woman and she just doesn’t feel the same way but is willing to be friends, I know that no doesn’t necessarily mean no. Feelings do grow.
But there are times when people interact in some shared activity (working, volunteering, hobby), one person makes their interest known and the object equally makes it clear that they are not open to a relationship. There are times in life when we don’t have the time or energy for a relationship, and although at one time I believed that love was such a magical feeling that it conquered all, I’ve outgrown that. Love is not enough. Any non destructive relationship requires some input, and all players may choose not to participate. When one party makes repeated clear statements that they do not want to get involved in any of the shades of grey, it’s not charming to keep pursuing. I will not belabour the point. And people can be friends with people of the sex they’re attracted to (or anyone they’re attracted to). Rather, I want to offer guidance to those gently rejected souls who want to hang around their object but have trouble knowing what’s ok and what’s not.
How to be Just Friends:
Don’t send songs, music videos or clips with hidden messages
Don’t make repeated offers of a friendly massage
Don’t make repeated offers to help with life’s little hassles – plowing the driveway, fixing the car, cooking, cleaning the house. If your friend is sick or has other extenuating circumstances, the friendly thing is to offer help – that is what friends are for. But do not make repeated offers when they’re declined. Just as a creditor is slave to the debtor, favours have an energy that can make the recipient feel indebted. If they feel that, they have the right of refusal. The fact that you’re offering some kindness does not mean that the other owes it to you to accept. If this sounds harsh, you have not tried to put yourself in another person’s shoes. It will benefit you to think on this.
Do not offer to cook dinner for your friend – this goes beyond the utilitarian move of providing food to someone who’s unable to cook
Do not show up at your friend’s house bringing ingredients for breakfast – it implies a familiarity and domesticity
Do not share your poetry on themes of love or loneliness
Do not repeatedly invite or hint at taking a vacation/getaway together
When you’re being helpful, think why you’re doing it. Is it truly just out of kindness? Are you concentrating your helpfulness just on this one person, your object? Are you trying to influence them to change their mind? There’s nothing wrong with changing people’s mind about you with your kindness, patience, positive attitude. Kudos to you and may we all be more like you. But consider this: you are trying to change someone’s mind, away from the outcome that they have decided for themselves that they want towards what you want. And you are doing that not by stating directly what you want, but by influence. Is there another name for that?
Yes, manipulation is getting others to do what you want without saying what you want directly. And it’s true that some people are so skilled that their manipulation is very subtle and not perceived, for even a long time. But it’s not basis for a healthy relationship.
-Nik
