We’re all on the same page here – communication is so important in relationships. It’s probably the number one thing. My partner of 20 years was not a great communicator. When a marriage ceases, people want answers – why did you break up. After 20 years, it is not honest to point to one thing; it’s a death by a thousand cuts. But I say this: it was not the problems that were the problem. It was the fact that we couldn’t talk about the problems that was the problem.
So I really thought that if I am to seriously get emotionally involved with someone, they must be able to communicate. And of course, I don’t mean that they are just willing to talk. I mean that they are willing to talk about their feelings, name their feelings, express their needs, and equally listen to me and my needs. They need to have some level of intellectual compatibility with me and similar emotional depth. In contrast I dated a beautiful man who made me feel so comfortable physically; he was warm and huggable and instinctively knew everything that my body wanted. But we did not have an intellectual connection and he didn’t seem to have the capacity to talk about his feelings at all. I enjoyed the physical relationship but I knew it could not last because that emotional depth was not there. We talked too, of course, just not on anything of substance.
Enter Ray. A little older, professionally established, had been married previously long term yet on good terms with ex, so I knew he knows that relationships take work. Also, very intelligent, committed to me, wanting to give to me and willing to talk about his feelings. A couple of little check marks for relationship experience and having a good career and life in order. Huge check marks for intelligence, listening to me and willing to talk feelings.
We had issues from the start. But unlike before, we could talk about them. We talked about them ad nauseum. Sometimes after I left his place in frustration I couldn’t face talking with him any more. I would ask if we can just go for a walk without talking, so we could at least be together, nevermind understand each other.
He listened to me. But that doesn’t mean that he understood. He was unconsciously manipulative and controlling. I don’t think he meant me harm, I just don’t think he understood. One of his needs was that he wanted me to be at his place whenever I didn’t have my kids. All my free time. And I just needed time to myself. And I was able to express this need. I worked on my boundaries and I asserted myself. But he made me feel guilty (I recognized that guilt has a lot to do how we perceive what we “owe” others, and I own my part in this. But the other part is that he tried to get his way in a passive aggressive way that wore me down.) I actually became physically unwell after a few months, and I knew that it was mostly the relationship stress. Still, he was so good on paper, and he was willing to keep talking. We talked, we talked, we fought, we made up, we made love and we talked. The bottom line is, he was not willing to say: I know that there are things that you need emotionally (like time to myself) which I don’t understand, but that I know you need to do because that’s what you feel. And I was not willing to say: you need more of my time than i’m comfortable giving, but I will give that to you because that’s what you need. I had already learned my boundary, and how dangerous it is to cross your hard boundaries in romantic relationships. I was not willing to cross this one.
So if either you have fundamentally different needs, or if one person is willing to talk and talk but not willing to make compromises (I want to see you twice a week, you want four, can we agree on three?), then your willingness to communicate might actually prolong an emotionally draining situation. Of course you should try to work things out with someone with whom you see potential. But sometimes it takes time to come to terms with the fact that you can’t talk your way out of some problems. Or to reframe – sometimes the solution that you work out through good communication is that you split up. And you don’t both have to agree. One just has to recognize it.
Love is not enough. Compatibility on paper is not enough. Communication is not enough. As always, it seems so obvious in hindsight.
-Nik
