I went for an 8 km hike yesterday. It was minus 8 Celsius and the wind was really strong. At one point I was walking over a 500 m raised exposed area. Normally just a flat walk. Yesterday, the wind was strongest there, and the wind had swept some snow into little speed bumps along the way that I had to step into, getting snow into my ankle boots. I was feeling philosophical so I tried turning them into a metaphor of life, how we have to overcome obstacles and keep walking… But then it struck me: why should the path be clear and easy? Who promised me that? The word obstacle (a thing that blocks one’s way or prevents or hinders progress) implies that it shouldn’t be there. One of my secrets to happiness (pay attention! This is a legit gift) is that nothing is a should. Why shouldn’t snow, governed by global climate and wind patterns, not be in the place where I, one of 8 billion (currently living) people wish to put my foot. Ridiculous.
That made me further think of goals. I’ve often thought of the obstacles, or problems, in the way of my goals. Things that I have judged shouldn’t be there. But really, if there are no obstacles, is it really a goal? (this is not a pointless discussion on the nuances of vague words. This actually allowed me to reframe how I view goals, so try to stick with me.) Example. My parents live 4 hours away. I’ve made the trip several times, I know the route, no big surprises to expect – maybe traffic, accident on the way, maybe a flat tire. These are all things that can be encountered on any drive. Not a goal. If the path to the target is clear, all the issues are predictable – it’s not a goal. Running a 10 K? I haven’t ran 10 km this year, but I used to routinely run 7 km last year. Not a huge stretch. Not enough uncertainty, – not a goal. For me.
How about a marathon? How is that different? Isn’t it exactly the same but just longer? I’d know the route ahead of time. But I’ve never ran more than 10 km, a quarter of the distance. I don’t know how my body would react, where I’d hit the wall. I’ve seen people collapse with cramps towards the end of marathons. Could be me. Plus a marathon, isn’t just the event on the day of. It’s the path of training for this. Yes, I could find a training schedule online, but I don’t know what kind of issues might pop up – injuries, mental self sabotage (I used to be a giver upper). That would be a Goal for me. Running my 9th marathon may be a goal, but not a Goal. By then I would know what kind of issues to expect coming up (shin splints, hitting the wall halfway) and also what I would likely decide if I sprain an ankle 4 months prior vs 3 weeks prior to the event. THis leads me to another component – decisions. Uneasy decisions. Example time. Let’s look at starting a business. This is something I’ve pondered for 6 years, without taking meaningful action. Why? Because the path is not clear. I know there will be obstacles to overcome, but I don’t know what they’ll be, so I can’t prepare ahead of time. So, it’s like I’ve had this thing I want, but I have not made it a goal, precisely because I was deterred by the components that make it a goal. These obstacles, the uncertainty – they are not problems. They are features of what a goal is. An even more personal example is my path to getting a divorce. Yes, in short it is filling some forms out and going through a process. But the obstacles make it a much more complex process. I tried reaching an agreement without a lawyer, to make things less contentious, and then when my ex simply didn’t reply, dragged it out, refused to tell me what he wanted, I didn’t know how to proceed. The path was not clear. I kept thinking we might be done in a couple of months… it’s 3 years later. I did not know what all the obstacles were going to be. I did know that there were going to be difficult decisions to be made. This is probably the biggest thing that didn’t make me fully commit. It’s as if I was thinking “this would be so simple if it wasn’t for the big decisions.” Precisely. If it was going to be simple, then it wouldn’t be a goal. But at one point, I committed – I accepted the uncertainty of the path, the uncertainty of how much I was going to end up in lawyers’ fees, the uncertainty of how much savings i’d have left at the end, the uncertainty of whether I’d be able to remain in my home. I gave up the want to control the outcome. I didn’t know how it would end, I only committed that it would end. And then, I was ready to take full action. When I got a letter from the lawyer, I didn’t immediately close my email to pretend that it wasn’t there, at least for the weekend. I gave myself a deadline to reply within a day. I accepted that I’ve mulled over the different options for long enough, and there isn’t a perfect answer. I just have to commit to make a decision and live with it. That is a Goal.
See, I’ve been deluding myself by not taking on certain goals by saying I just didn’t know how to proceed. Choose wisely, goals should be important enough to follow through on. But then commit. Figuring out how to do it, and overcoming the issues along the way will come later.
You may differ with me on the definition of obstacle and goal. I’m not telling anyone that this is a universal definition. My only point is that accepting that important things don’t have a clear path or an easy road to get there is a useful frame of mind to help you achieve something worthy of your energy.
(P.S. I have finally made progress on my biggest Goal and can see the light at the end.)
-Nik
