I’m going through a major setback right now. I’m sitting here speechless, trying to express somehow how big it is. No words. So, in short – major.
I have two kids, so there’s no question that I have to find a way through this. Somehow. I knew it was coming (just didn’t know how big it would be), so I’ve been preparing myself. Doing emotional work in preparation for accepting something big that seemingly destroys everything I’ve built over the last 20 years. I’m doing conscious work on accepting, using a mantra (everything is as it should be), trying to reframe things. Trying to find any way to reframe this, so I can get through it and not become a bitter person. Trying to remind myself that I have grown through every challenge.
Today I remembered something that happened to me 14 years ago. It was so big at the time. It ruled my life for a while and stayed on my mind for years. It also made me who I am today.
I was just a baby then. 26. Finally doing something towards my dream of having an exotic life – I was on a contract teaching English in Korea. New city, new country, new food, new friends, new experiences. Also – cultural isolation.
I was assigned a Korean teacher liaison, Julie, who was my link to the whole non-English speaking world. She got me an apartment, helped me get house supplies, showed me where to shop for food, showed me where the school was, interpreted for me with the principal. She was my lifeline there. Several months in, we had a contract dispute. I taught some after school classes and was expecting the payment stipulated in my contract. The school paid me much less. When I brought this up to Julie, she said it was because we didn’t have many students in the classes. I had been teaching the classes for a few months, so I knew that. But there was no talk of it impacting the compensation or of trying to attract more students. I understood the dilemma and felt quite bad for the school, but I was also just learning to be assertive. The contract language was quite clear – a flat rate for the after school classes. Julie said the Korean version had a slightly different meaning. I had signed an English version, so again, while feeling bad for them, I didn’t see why I should get paid less on work delivered.
Julie turned quite manipulative and controlling then. Since she was my only contact at school, and the only person who could help me with any household issues (like utility problems), this made me feel isolated and alienated. This dragged on for a while. It ruined our relationship. I complained to all my teacher friends. But she complained to my whole school. I don’t know if people gossipped about me behind my back because I didn’t understand and I wasn’t accepted enough to not feel like a stranger anyway. But I felt like they did. I felt like I wore the scarlet letter every day to school. For me, it was a little about the money, and very much about being victimized. Taken advantage of. I mean, it was right there in writing. But I did realize that she saw it a different way. It seems that the intention was valued more highly than the contract wording, at least by Julie. We were having a cultural misunderstanding. I don’t remember the total dollar amount. I remember feeling like a victim. Why is this happening to me? I remember crying on friends’ shoulders over this. Oh wow, it’s hard to write about it now. Not the injustice (as I saw it then). My huge overreaction.
That event and more importantly the story of it, stayed with me for a long time. Long past Korea.
It came up a few years later, when I was seeing a therapist. Eventually I was able to see that I was victimizing myself by making myself feel like a victim. I understood that being assertive doesn’t mean that nothing “unfair” will never happen to you. It just means that when you feel you’re treated unfairly you examine the objective evidence (check yourself) and speak up. You consider how much of a fight it’s worth, you make the fight. I saw that you can do what is within your control and then…. The magic is here… you let it go. You release yourself from attachment to outcome. Shit happens. To everyone. How ludicrous of me to have thought that I “shouldn’t” have shit happen to me. Like I said, I was just a baby then.
I didn’t realize this all at once. But this was a pivotal story in my growth journey. About five years after Korea I realized that I lost my victim mentality. And in large part, by reflecting on that story and my reaction (not the devil Julie’s). I turned myself around. I am not that person any more. I proudly say that I have changed 100% since that time. From there I was able to grow into someone who takes control of life, who knows when to fight and when something is beyond my control, someone independent. I don’t easily give people entire control over how I feel. I still struggle, I’m still working on myself, I’m still growing. Like right now… I have times when I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through this one. But this I can say for sure – whenever I did make it through one of life’s reminders that despite all my wonderfulness I’m not in total control of what comes my way (i call it life punching me in the face), I grew so much. I became stronger. My potential exploded. These days, sometimes I’m sobbing in the fetal position, and sometimes I can trust that I will not only come through, it will push me to grow past the point that I think possible now.
-Nik
