In an episode of This American Life podcast on fairness, (“No Fair!”), one story was about how the NBA spent millions or billions trying to make the games more fair. They’re investing millions in a state of the art monitoring center where every move is recorded and can be referred to video replay and even all ref calls can be reviewed. It’s good to be fair, I guess.
BUT.
Putting these things in place gives us a false sense that life should be fair. And it’s such an illusion. We are all subject to sudden death, loss of loved ones, disease, pain. These are difficult things that we struggle with even more because we think that life should be fair.
I’ve been thinking about fairness because I’m going through a prolonged divorce financial settlement negotiation. The concept of fairness has gone out the window a long time ago. And it was very freeing when I let go of that concept. I was able to buy so much freedom when I did. But still, I struggle with it. After four years, I finally got to mediation. We spent $10,000 drafting an agreement that day. I spend lots of energy making myself ready for that day – to accept whatever I saw was coming, to help end the process. The lawyer for the other party was unbending and said that they’re willing to go to court for anything they didn’t get. Court would mean something like another 2 years and obviously thousands more in fees. I wasn’t willing to do that. I got myself to see that there is no “fair”. There is just “what I’m willing to suffer”. And I’m so ready to stop suffering over this. And afterwards, the other party still came up with other changes. There is a little one in particular, that I’m having such a tough time letting go of. Because I feel like I agreed to so much. I agreed to give so much money, a lot of control. And now this. It’s not fair. It’s just so unfair.
It has been such a long process that I’ve had to share bits of it with a couple of close friends, therapist. And everyone says that it is unfair. That there must be something I can do. Should I get a lawyer? I have a lawyer. The lawyer doesn’t do what’s fair. The lawyer negotiates. The lawyer advises on how the other side can play the most high level things to their advantage. I explain all the nuance, but the nuance doesn’t matter. The lawyer tells me how long it takes to wait for the court to make the very first move, the process. The lawyer doesn’t explain how much this might cost in legal fees, but after 2.5 years with the lawyer, I have an idea. At this point, fairness doesn’t matter. Not only that. At this point, fairness is a stupid concept. Like the universe or life or god owe me something.
When we get diagnosed with a major sickness, lose a loved one, get betrayed, we naturally feel like it’s unfair. I try to live a good life. I try very hard to be a good person. I am kind to people, I never litter, I would never stockpile on toilet paper when I see others next to me looking for the same thing. I have been civil to my ex in every exchange for 4 years. Even when … through all that. I was a good wife for 20 years. I took care of him to the detriment of my body, soul, mental health. Why, god, why. I had a tough childhood and when I grew up and moved out, I thought you owed me a good life from then on.
Why do good people get cancer? Why do children get born with diseases that kill them within weeks of a few years? Why do mothers get to carry babies to term only to have them die within days? Why did my uncle survive the war, only to get killed on the train on his way back home? Why do people beat cancer only to have it come back? Why do we spend decades looking for love, then find it, only to have it taken away? It’s not fair.
In a way it’s not fair. And in a way, fairness is not a useful concept. Because the very existence of this concept makes us think that things should be fair.
Our society is so structured, so protective. I’m not saying it shouldn’t be. It is to our credit that we strive for fairness, equality, equity. Where we can.I think focusing on the artificial fairness of society makes us forget that this concept doesn’t apply to life. It’s not like not accepting the concept of fairness would make a diagnosis of a life threatening illness or the loss of a loved one less painful. But I know that I struggled against my situation, – I suffered – more and longer because I was stuck on it being not fair.
